Mans Castle Day 2

Once again I arrive home to my empty house. Decide I should order pizza and wings for dinner. I am told should be about 30 min. so gives me time to enjoy a shower without having to worry about saving hot water for my girls. 5 min later shower done. Old habits I guess. Well lets see whats on T.V tonight. Cool the Big Break Final I recorded. Hey Nate, Big Break is on.........Oh yea he isn't here. Better save it. Pizza's here cooool!! What to watch while I eat.............Ah the Indy race rerun. Hey Taylor.......... not here either. Hum....What time is it?? Oooh Danielle needs to be picked up from work.......oops no need for that..... I guess it's Superstars and a cold one for me tonight. Might as well watch in bed. When did my bed get that large?? Weird. Oh well gotta love this alone time!! Hope I sleep a little better tonight as I was a little burned out today. Can't figure out why either. Strange. Must have been the dog being fidgety. Love this peacefulness and I better take full advantage and enjoy every minute as it will probably be a long time before I get this alone time again. You men know what I mean. It's great to have nothing but me time..... .....To be continued......... As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

A Mans Castle

It is said that a mans home is his castle. Never is this more true than when his family is away and he has the whole house to himself. On Monday my wife and two teenage daughters went off to girls camp for the week and my 7 year old son went down to hang out with his grandpa and nana for a few days. This allowed me to come home last night to an empty house. AH the peacefulness. No girls going 90 miles an hour and needing rides everywhere. No dinner to cook, absolutely nothing needed from me. A big smile came to my face as I headed to my room to get comfortable. As I was looking for something comfortable to put on it occurred to me that hell I could just walk around naked!! Not wanting to frighten my neighbors who might glance thru my windows I opted for boxers instead but it was nice to know that should I choose to relax in the birthday suit I could. Next I thru everything fried and greasy that I had in the freezer into the oven, cracked a cool refreshing beverage and turned on the T.V.. Nothing but all the ESPN's, Speed Channel, NFL Network and what ever sports I can find. There will be no "Do we have to watch sports?" "When can we have the big screen?" "Can you please turn that down." My house, my T.V, my time. After gorging myself and enjoying a few more refreshing beverages I flopped down in the middle of my king sized bed and prepared to drift off. No getting kicked, no fighting for a small piece of the sheets, just me and all that room...........To be continued...More tomorrow and as always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

Michael Jackson VS Farrah Fawcett

Well it has been a sad week as two stars have passed away. Both of them shaped pop culture in their own way. Sadly one is getting the short end of the stick as far as coverage and grief goes. Everything is about Michael with very little being said about Farrah except that she passed away from cancer. This Joe has decided to take it upon himself to compare the two's impact on all of us that are in our 40's and 50's. Let us start with Mr. Jackson. Now I was never a fan of his music as I tended to lean more to the rock and roll side of things. This in my opinion makes me that much more impartial in this debate. You see I wasn't a fan but I could respect what he did. He was very talented as an artist. He came along and turned the start up network MTV into his own personal playground with his music and dancing that people were energized by. Talk to me about Michael Jackson pre 1989 and this is my opinion. Now to Miss Fawcett thru this same time period. She was simply every young mans dream. I don't think I know any teen boy who did not have that poster. Not only that she was THE angel on Charlies Angels. Those things don't even touch the main impact she had witch was............come on girls you know the answer..........that's right feathered bangs. Every teen age girl was wearing her version of Farrahs hair from coast to coast. Huge impact. Now we will discuss post 1989. People always busted Farrahs chops but it didn't deter her. She took a role in the movie the Burning Bed. Now this was a touchy subject about spousal abuse. A husband terrorizing his wife. Something everyone knows goes on but didn't want to say anything about. Society's little secret. She absolutely hits the part out of the park. Bringing to light the desperate need to address this problem world wide. Because of that movie and her role a movement took hold. Now she hit her 40's. What does she do?? Poses naked for Playboy to show just how attractive and desirable older women can be. Bravo, Bravo. She did nothing but get better with age.. On to Mr Jackson post 1989. We all know the story here. Who knows how many surgeries, oxygen tents and various other weird things that he started up with. But I could get by all of that and wrote it off as goofy creativity. As a matter of fact it kept us interested even if it was a what is going to happen next kind of fascination. But here is when it ends for me. He hurt children. That over rules everything and anything he ever did. There is no excuse, absolutely nothing can justify taking a child's innocence. NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! That erases any greatness he had achieved. So I will end this by saying to the one who only got better with age, rest in peace Farrah, thanks for everything. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

News

I'm sure everybody saw the news reports on the pilot who died mid-flight last week. The thing that surprised me the most was all the stories about how it was kept a secret. REALLY?? It was kept a secret until the plane landed? The know everything media seemed to be in an uproar over this so I thought I should play devils advocate and make the media happy by presenting the side they apparently think would have been more appropriate..... Ladies and gentleman this is your co-pilot speaking. I would humbly request that you all please stand and salute the body on top of the drink carts being pushed by the stewardesses to the back of the plane, as he was your pilot. He had well over 20 years with our airline and deserves your respect as he has probably carried you safely many times in the past. We can all be comforted in knowing he died doing something he loved. Please be sure and show your respect before we strap him into the cargo bay. As for who is flying the plane that would be me the co-pilot. Although I do not have half the experience the pilot did please rest assured as I have a lot of time in the simulator. As a matter of fact I am 6 out of 10 in landing safely. Although all of my simulator time was in a different aircraft I am thinking 60% is pretty damn good. On the plus side as soon as we can get the pilots cold stiff body off the drink carts all alcoholic beverages will be half price!!! Oh and finally you may want to pull your seat belts extra tight and say any prayers you may have because 60% really kinda sucks....... I think I would prefer the secret. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as I guys gotta eat. Be back on Thursday!!!!!! P.S. Video # 4 in the video bar is a must see!!

Been Away

Sorry to leave the old blog blank the last few days. I have been working on my novel. Will be rolling again on Thursday. Be sure to tune in as I have alot of stuff stored up!!

Andy

Work Ethic

Yesterday my 15 year old daughter started her summer job. This is something she did all by herself. She bugged her mother to drive her around one day by our house looking for help wanted signs in storefront windows. In this Internet world I was skeptical that people actually still put signs in there windows but low and behold they still do. There is something comforting in that. To know that just as in our youth she can get on her bike and head off to work at the neighborhood store( dry cleaner in her case). Seeing your children take it upon themselves to go earn a buck or two is very rewarding. With this one it doesn't surprise me as she is a very take charge kinda girl. She is smart and I knew she listened to her mother and me about gaining a work ethic. Now her older brother that was a different story. I was sure he hadn't paid attention to anything I said about money. Imagine my surprise when I helped him with his taxes and saw what he made last year and also saw what he had saved. The kid is doing great. At 20 he has turned into a great young man. Way ahead of everyone of his friends. As parents you get a sense of accomplishment like no other when you see your children take head of some of your lessons and apply them to their lives. To watch them turn into adults that other people respect is all we can hope for. I see the respect my son receives from people close to him and I can look at his mother and we both smile and nod thinking we did all right. Now my 15 year old is well on her way on a good path as well. 2 down 2 to go.As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

The Bucket List

Last night I watched The Bucket List. I must be aging fast because I found it even funnier this time around. It also got me thinking about a bucket list of my own. Now this is a little more difficult to do when you don't have unlimited money and your own private jet but most of the 15 things on my list I thought were realistic but I did notice 1 important thing compared to the movie and that was that I am a little shallow. They have things like see something majeatic I have go to a Super Bowl. They went to see the wonders of the world I want the rain man penthouse suite at Ceasers in Vegas. Small diferences in opinion I guess. I do share one thing with the movie and that is the list must be done with a wing man and not my wife and children. Why is that is the question? Now I didn't realize this until I had completed my list that this was in fact the case. My wife and kids are extremely important to me so why would I choose to exclude them from participating in my list with me. That is the question of the day. I am willing to bet a women's bucket list would be the opposite. Most everything on the list would include husband and kids participating. Once again this shows a difference in our make up. I thought long and hard about this and will offer my opinion on this particular point Men are kids. that's it in a nutshell. Deep down we are only about 10 years old. Deep down women know this as that's why they acquire a strong neck from shaking there head at the things we men do. Its in our genes. That's why we men would take a wing man instead. No tears or emotional stuff just grown men acting like children and doing childish things. We would never tell each other to act like adults. We know that is for the females. They are the adults we are still kids. As soon as everyone realizes that the better. I leave you with the challenge to see if I am right. Write a bucket list Joes and Janes and let me know what you think. Also hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

NASCAR...Is the C.O.T killing it??

The car of tomorrow or car of today that NASCAR has switched to is killing the sport in my humble redneck opinion. Be honest with me now how many of you fans were able to stay awake while watching the race at Michigan this weeke..n..d..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry dozed off just thinking about it. How can they expect you to stay awake when you have a 14 second gap between 1st and 10th and another 12 seconds back to 20th?? The big excitement of the race is whether the front 3 cars (separated by about 8 seconds) will run out of gas. Oh my gosh I was on the edge of my seat. Come on!! I don't give a sh.. if they have enough gas I want them beating and banging and hoping they have enough of a car left to finish. I know Michigan is always a boring race just like California (both Penske tracks I believe) and that's why they can't fill the seats but the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz is spilling over even to the short tracks this year. Did anyone watch Bristol this year? Now Bristol is usually where you see a picture of the winning car and wonder if the driver made it out alive as there isn't a straight piece of metal on it. This year?? Could have passed for a new car pulling off the showroom floor. No fist fights in the pits or on the track. Damn shameful that the drivers were not jumping and screaming like 2 Year olds. Taking bets on who would be the first driver who walked out on the track to throw his helmet at another driver made for a nice side pot on race day. Now the pot goes to whomever stays awake the longest. More and more seats are staying empty so I am not the only one who shares this opinion. I want to go back to the days when the drivers were like boxers and their cars were their gloves. Rights and lefts were thrown all day long and the better man usually won. I don't want to see the guy who drove around staying out of the way to save gas get the checkered (no offense to Mark Martin). As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat. Video bar updates all day!!

An E-mail from H R

Nothing original today but good for a laugh!!

Be sure to put this into practice ASAP.

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers and customers.

Due to complaints received from some employees and customers who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources


Have a Great weekend everyone and as always hit a sponsor on the way out and come back often to browse or check out the ever changing video bar.

Twilight

Is it just this Average Joe or do I have company in not understanding this Twilight thing?? I have a 14 year old daughter that is way beyond obsessed with this series. To me these vampires remind me of half the boys I see at the mall with there pants half way down there butts. You just want to go up behind them and jerk there underware up over the back of their heads. Absolutely no scare value at all. Back in the day when we all walked 10 miles to school thru the snow, with no shoes, uphill both ways, Vampires were supposed to be scary. Give you nightmares. Not make you want to move to the forests of Washington and look for your true love. Nobody wanted to move into Boris Karloff's neighborhood and play kissy face. Gary Oldman wasn't invited to any proms in his version of Dracula. Absolutely creepy and scary. But wait my daughter tells me, these are teenage vampires not adults. I respond with Lost Boys. If there were teenage vampires that is how they would act. Straight out frigging hellions. Once again no one who you would want to hang out with. Now I'll give you George Hamilton in Love At First Bite. Handsome tan man the ladies would want to hang with but even he had creepy little bug eating Artie Johnson to add the yuk factor. What are they going to do next to our favorite monsters?? Coming this fall,,, Wolfie the pour pouty faced clarinet player who just can't get a good haircut,,, Frankie Stien the troubled ballet dancer with two left feet (literally),,, Jason and Mike Myers in Therapy, We just want to be loved,,,. Give me a break. Don't mix our good and evil it upsets the balance of things. Our teenagers have enough mixed signals in life to deal with already. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat. If you cannot comment here please e-mail comments to anaveragejoespeaks@yahoo.com. Also the video bar will update thru out the day with new videos.

Unemployment

That's right Joes and Janes unemployment has reared it's ugly head in this Joes household once again. I say again as it struck for the first time right before Christmas when my lovely wife had her knees chopped out from under her from this dreaded beast. Listen close my friends as you will see that this beast has a sense of humor. You see my wife received a car allowance for work but the car had to be no older than 5 years. Her van was approaching that limit so we went out in Nov and found a cute little 2008 crossover on close out and bought it for her. 2 weeks later the beast struck. It rolled in and with a whip of it's long tail and a snarl on its face down she went. But on the bright side we got that nice new car payment going for us. The beast was howling in laughter as it left. So as my wife try's to grow her new knees and get back on her feet I am commuting 45 min each way to my office. The commute is long but the beast can not keep up with me as he tires and has no stamina to catch me. I turn the radio up and laugh at his pitiful attempt to lay his claws on me. But I became to cocky. I figured I had slain the beast. I was way to fast and smart to let him get to me. You see my same position opened up in one of our offices that was just 15 minutes from home so I transferred. Blinded by my cockiness I did not see the beast curled up and laying in wait for me. Last Friday ( 3 weeks since my transfer) the regional manager shows up and tells us they were shutting down our location. Out of the corner of my eye in the parking lot the beast was dancing and laughing and howling at the top of its lungs. They were not shutting down my previous location and had I not transferred I would still have a job. Well played beast. Well played. So I did the only thing I could do now that they did not want to play with me anymore, I took my Rolodex and my stapler and I went home. But hey on the bright side I still have that new car payment going for me. Let us keep our heads held high and hang in there my friends. We must prepare to hunt the beast down. If we all keep plugging away in our hunt we will eventually be successful in chopping off the head of the beast and he will smile no more. So pull up a chair and hang out for a few. Check out some older posts or enjoy the new video bar. Hopefully it will provide a few laughs and help you prepare for your own battles today. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

Remodel Day

Putting a tune up on the BLOG today. Make sure to come back tomorrow for new and exciting features. While you are here you might as well hit a couple of sponsors as you leave. You know you want to....I can see your mouse finger twitching........it only takes a minute....... thank you and see you tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

Todays Subject: Pride

Good Morning my friends!! Over the weekend I attended my 7 year old sons soccer match. I have missed about half of his games this year because of work (side note tommorrows subject unemployment). He played golie one quarter and held the other team scorless and also scored a goal in another quarter. Obviously I was walking around like a peacock in full bloom as my pride began to swell. The other dads nodded my way with their feathers tucked away hoping they too would be able to strut soon. But alas it was my day. Nathan was ruling the field. My wife says he always plays better when I am there. I informed her that of course he does as it is ingrained in his male PRIDE. She as usual just rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me wondering where I come up with things. Women always have and always will have trouble with our pride. It just doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it can make us puff up and be so attractive one moment and then run naked through a shopping mall on a dare the next. Thats right ladies it is the same thing controlling both actions PRIDE. It will make us smile from ear to ear with tears in our eyes as we look at our familys and have those same tears in our eyes as we hang as many crawfish as possible by there claws from our nipples to get one more than the previous Joe. What can I say we are men. From time to time I hear things come out of peoples mouths like his pride got in the way or he needs to swallow his pride. First of all our pride is never in the way it leads the way. It is the voice that tells us we will take on the world every day and kick it's butt. As far as swollowing our pride you might as well tell us to swollow a 52 Buick whole. It just isnt going to happen. So ladies remember the next time you have to pick up your Joe from the police station for running thru that mall naked or put cream on his nipples due to claw marks, that smile on his face is just him taking PRIDE in a job well done. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

Where is our Tax Money gone??

This is a little video that shows how out of control the govt. is with our tax dollars. Nothing funny I am afraid. But something every Average Joe and Jane should be made aware of.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXlxBeAvsB8&feature=email

Was That A Carrot?

I was out enjoying some sunshine with my daughter the other day when I swear to you I thought the Vegitales had come to life. Walking toward me were two of the largest carrots I had ever seen. Now the fact that carrots were as large as these were, was frightening enough, but to have grown legs?? Some kind of radiation must have been set loose in the area. Where was the Army or National Guard? I very cautiously kept an eye on them as they approached. They seemed friendly enough for carrots. Laughing and smiling together, joking back and forth. Then it occured to me . They were not carrots but women. Oh the horror of it. What evil doctor could have done this to these lovely ladies. It had to be some sort of an experiment gone terribly wrong. As the pity started to fill my face I turned away. I did not want to embarrass them by staring. It couldn't have been there fault that they had been turned into freaks. Sad, really sad. Just then my daughter grabbed my arm and said, dad it is just a spray on tan. A what I asked? She explained that these ladies had basically been spray painted this color on purpose. Now in my mind I begin to picture a painting booth, people masking off the eyes, mouth etc. with tape in preparation for the paint. Then hear comes a guy with white coveralls and a respirator on and sprays her with primer. Lets it dry and then here comes the paint. If it was me I might have went with candy apple red over the orange they had chosen. Maybe even thrown in some pin striping. But to each there own. I mumbled something about getting a job at MACCO must have a helluva waiting list when my daughter said you get this done at tanning salons. I guess frying ourselves with intense light is just to slow in this want it now world, so we have turned to paint. It opens up a whole new marketing program. Paint, it does a body orange. Let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

Advice from Dr. Allen

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. AND REMEMBER: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' . As always let me know what you think and hit a sponser on the way out as a guys gotta eat.