The Bucket List

Last night I watched The Bucket List. I must be aging fast because I found it even funnier this time around. It also got me thinking about a bucket list of my own. Now this is a little more difficult to do when you don't have unlimited money and your own private jet but most of the 15 things on my list I thought were realistic but I did notice 1 important thing compared to the movie and that was that I am a little shallow. They have things like see something majeatic I have go to a Super Bowl. They went to see the wonders of the world I want the rain man penthouse suite at Ceasers in Vegas. Small diferences in opinion I guess. I do share one thing with the movie and that is the list must be done with a wing man and not my wife and children. Why is that is the question? Now I didn't realize this until I had completed my list that this was in fact the case. My wife and kids are extremely important to me so why would I choose to exclude them from participating in my list with me. That is the question of the day. I am willing to bet a women's bucket list would be the opposite. Most everything on the list would include husband and kids participating. Once again this shows a difference in our make up. I thought long and hard about this and will offer my opinion on this particular point Men are kids. that's it in a nutshell. Deep down we are only about 10 years old. Deep down women know this as that's why they acquire a strong neck from shaking there head at the things we men do. Its in our genes. That's why we men would take a wing man instead. No tears or emotional stuff just grown men acting like children and doing childish things. We would never tell each other to act like adults. We know that is for the females. They are the adults we are still kids. As soon as everyone realizes that the better. I leave you with the challenge to see if I am right. Write a bucket list Joes and Janes and let me know what you think. Also hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

NASCAR...Is the C.O.T killing it??

The car of tomorrow or car of today that NASCAR has switched to is killing the sport in my humble redneck opinion. Be honest with me now how many of you fans were able to stay awake while watching the race at Michigan this weeke..n..d..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry dozed off just thinking about it. How can they expect you to stay awake when you have a 14 second gap between 1st and 10th and another 12 seconds back to 20th?? The big excitement of the race is whether the front 3 cars (separated by about 8 seconds) will run out of gas. Oh my gosh I was on the edge of my seat. Come on!! I don't give a sh.. if they have enough gas I want them beating and banging and hoping they have enough of a car left to finish. I know Michigan is always a boring race just like California (both Penske tracks I believe) and that's why they can't fill the seats but the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz is spilling over even to the short tracks this year. Did anyone watch Bristol this year? Now Bristol is usually where you see a picture of the winning car and wonder if the driver made it out alive as there isn't a straight piece of metal on it. This year?? Could have passed for a new car pulling off the showroom floor. No fist fights in the pits or on the track. Damn shameful that the drivers were not jumping and screaming like 2 Year olds. Taking bets on who would be the first driver who walked out on the track to throw his helmet at another driver made for a nice side pot on race day. Now the pot goes to whomever stays awake the longest. More and more seats are staying empty so I am not the only one who shares this opinion. I want to go back to the days when the drivers were like boxers and their cars were their gloves. Rights and lefts were thrown all day long and the better man usually won. I don't want to see the guy who drove around staying out of the way to save gas get the checkered (no offense to Mark Martin). As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat. Video bar updates all day!!

An E-mail from H R

Nothing original today but good for a laugh!!

Be sure to put this into practice ASAP.

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers and customers.

Due to complaints received from some employees and customers who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources


Have a Great weekend everyone and as always hit a sponsor on the way out and come back often to browse or check out the ever changing video bar.

Twilight

Is it just this Average Joe or do I have company in not understanding this Twilight thing?? I have a 14 year old daughter that is way beyond obsessed with this series. To me these vampires remind me of half the boys I see at the mall with there pants half way down there butts. You just want to go up behind them and jerk there underware up over the back of their heads. Absolutely no scare value at all. Back in the day when we all walked 10 miles to school thru the snow, with no shoes, uphill both ways, Vampires were supposed to be scary. Give you nightmares. Not make you want to move to the forests of Washington and look for your true love. Nobody wanted to move into Boris Karloff's neighborhood and play kissy face. Gary Oldman wasn't invited to any proms in his version of Dracula. Absolutely creepy and scary. But wait my daughter tells me, these are teenage vampires not adults. I respond with Lost Boys. If there were teenage vampires that is how they would act. Straight out frigging hellions. Once again no one who you would want to hang out with. Now I'll give you George Hamilton in Love At First Bite. Handsome tan man the ladies would want to hang with but even he had creepy little bug eating Artie Johnson to add the yuk factor. What are they going to do next to our favorite monsters?? Coming this fall,,, Wolfie the pour pouty faced clarinet player who just can't get a good haircut,,, Frankie Stien the troubled ballet dancer with two left feet (literally),,, Jason and Mike Myers in Therapy, We just want to be loved,,,. Give me a break. Don't mix our good and evil it upsets the balance of things. Our teenagers have enough mixed signals in life to deal with already. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat. If you cannot comment here please e-mail comments to anaveragejoespeaks@yahoo.com. Also the video bar will update thru out the day with new videos.

Unemployment

That's right Joes and Janes unemployment has reared it's ugly head in this Joes household once again. I say again as it struck for the first time right before Christmas when my lovely wife had her knees chopped out from under her from this dreaded beast. Listen close my friends as you will see that this beast has a sense of humor. You see my wife received a car allowance for work but the car had to be no older than 5 years. Her van was approaching that limit so we went out in Nov and found a cute little 2008 crossover on close out and bought it for her. 2 weeks later the beast struck. It rolled in and with a whip of it's long tail and a snarl on its face down she went. But on the bright side we got that nice new car payment going for us. The beast was howling in laughter as it left. So as my wife try's to grow her new knees and get back on her feet I am commuting 45 min each way to my office. The commute is long but the beast can not keep up with me as he tires and has no stamina to catch me. I turn the radio up and laugh at his pitiful attempt to lay his claws on me. But I became to cocky. I figured I had slain the beast. I was way to fast and smart to let him get to me. You see my same position opened up in one of our offices that was just 15 minutes from home so I transferred. Blinded by my cockiness I did not see the beast curled up and laying in wait for me. Last Friday ( 3 weeks since my transfer) the regional manager shows up and tells us they were shutting down our location. Out of the corner of my eye in the parking lot the beast was dancing and laughing and howling at the top of its lungs. They were not shutting down my previous location and had I not transferred I would still have a job. Well played beast. Well played. So I did the only thing I could do now that they did not want to play with me anymore, I took my Rolodex and my stapler and I went home. But hey on the bright side I still have that new car payment going for me. Let us keep our heads held high and hang in there my friends. We must prepare to hunt the beast down. If we all keep plugging away in our hunt we will eventually be successful in chopping off the head of the beast and he will smile no more. So pull up a chair and hang out for a few. Check out some older posts or enjoy the new video bar. Hopefully it will provide a few laughs and help you prepare for your own battles today. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.

Remodel Day

Putting a tune up on the BLOG today. Make sure to come back tomorrow for new and exciting features. While you are here you might as well hit a couple of sponsors as you leave. You know you want to....I can see your mouse finger twitching........it only takes a minute....... thank you and see you tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

Todays Subject: Pride

Good Morning my friends!! Over the weekend I attended my 7 year old sons soccer match. I have missed about half of his games this year because of work (side note tommorrows subject unemployment). He played golie one quarter and held the other team scorless and also scored a goal in another quarter. Obviously I was walking around like a peacock in full bloom as my pride began to swell. The other dads nodded my way with their feathers tucked away hoping they too would be able to strut soon. But alas it was my day. Nathan was ruling the field. My wife says he always plays better when I am there. I informed her that of course he does as it is ingrained in his male PRIDE. She as usual just rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me wondering where I come up with things. Women always have and always will have trouble with our pride. It just doesnt make sense to them. They dont get how it can make us puff up and be so attractive one moment and then run naked through a shopping mall on a dare the next. Thats right ladies it is the same thing controlling both actions PRIDE. It will make us smile from ear to ear with tears in our eyes as we look at our familys and have those same tears in our eyes as we hang as many crawfish as possible by there claws from our nipples to get one more than the previous Joe. What can I say we are men. From time to time I hear things come out of peoples mouths like his pride got in the way or he needs to swallow his pride. First of all our pride is never in the way it leads the way. It is the voice that tells us we will take on the world every day and kick it's butt. As far as swollowing our pride you might as well tell us to swollow a 52 Buick whole. It just isnt going to happen. So ladies remember the next time you have to pick up your Joe from the police station for running thru that mall naked or put cream on his nipples due to claw marks, that smile on his face is just him taking PRIDE in a job well done. As always let me know what you think and hit a sponsor on the way out as a guys gotta eat.